The Knight, the Ogre, the Maiden and the Tubes

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As promised, here is an epic tale of website death, starring yours truly as the hero who rescued this fair maiden blog from the big bad ogre BlueHost…

Once upon a time, Little Red Riding-WJT was skipping through the Information Super-Forest, guarded by the benign beast of BlueHost, plucking fragrant bouquets of mysquil for delivery via tubes to Granny Firefox’s Chromium Opera of Exploration. She made this trip trouble-free hundreds, if not thousands, of times a day, until one fateful day when BlueHost came across her in the flower beds and unceremoniously plucked her up and threw her into his second-deepest dungeon.

Shortly Sir Kenyn noticed Granny was not getting her usual deliveries, so mounting his trusty steed Skype he rushed from the far-off Orient to investigate where the maiden had gone. The ogre said she’d been dallying over the flowers for too long, in particular in the eyepiadder beds, so after the noble Knight promised he would instruct his charge to stay away from there, and indeed he would concrete over the eyepiadders just to make sure, BlueHost graciously released his captive.

Next day Little Red Riding-WJT was again skipping through the forest, plucking her eyepiadder-free mysquil bouquets when the ogre snuck up again and threw her into the deepest dungeon. Another IP-telephony metaphor later BlueHost claimed her mysquil-plucking was still excessive despite the knight’s insistance that there had been no negative plucking change. Sir Kenyn meekly agreed that he’d investigate her plucking habits, despite being convinced that the ogre has made a plucking mistake. BlueHost said he’d let her resume her plucking activities one more time, but if he caught her dilly-dallying in the mysquils again he’d have to eat her.

After a severe plucking pruning from the knight, once again she skipped forth through the enchanted forest. Just in case, Sir Kenyn requested from the ogre a survey of all the mysquil plantings in the forest, and he set about finding a new, safer forest to let Little Red Riding-WJT play in, as although BlueHost had a most polite and efficient exterior, inside lay a heart of stone.

As Sir Kenyn prepared the new forest, he discovered the survey from the ogre was riddled with traps, but consultation with the Grand Wizards of Perl brought him ever-closer to his Dr Frankenstein-like goal. However, this took his eye off the girl, so despite Little Red Riding-WJT having a quiet feast day, BlueHost unceremoniously added the fair maiden to his feast menu.

Regardless of this unfortunate development, one dark stormy night Little Red Riding-WJT and her flower beds were finally cloned! Sir Kenyn asked the ogre to tell DeNiSe, the ogre’s sidekick in charge of tube management, to ensure the requests for deliveries were redirected to the new forest, and They All Lived Happily Ever After.

Well, They All Lived Happily Until The Next Day. While everyone slept the nasty ogre had pointed the tubes back to the old barren forest, so the knight again asked DeNiSe, who swore he was still telling everyone to go to the new forest. After a prodding with the business end of a lance, the mysquil posy deliveries to Granny restarted, but then the next day and the day after that the ogre repeatedly reset the tubes back to the pluckerless woods, despite the knight’s repeated instructions to DeNiSe. Having had enough for about the tenth time that week, Sir Kenyn ran to his GoDaddy to get him to order DeNiSe around instead.

In the meantime, the Lord Protector of the tubes did sense this struggle, and in His infinite wisdom, the Almighty G did smite the innocent little girl from His lists of preferred suppliers to Granny Firefox and her friends.

And They Finally All Lived Happily Ever After.

THE END (I hope)

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